Curiousity is a form of interest but it is not exactly the interest in "are you interested?"

Somebody may have piqued my curiousty and now I feel quite playful but it doesn't mean I'm interested... Intrigued, yes.. After all, random weird things happened and it is only fit that I am curious and would like to see what happens if I do things out of the norm, eh?

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What is it?
It is a protest by the people for the people which took place last Saturday. This protest demands for a revamp of the Malaysian elections to ensure that it is just and fair.

How did it came to be?
People just have enough of the government rigging the general elections so that they can stay in power.

The outcome?
Police brutality, censorship and some hope that things will actually change.

What does this has to do with me?
Well, I was one of those people who wanted to go but didn't. The police has barricaded venue of our protest, which is the field where our independence was announced and the protest was planned for us to just sit there to express our displeasure. So on that day, the people walked to as close to the venue as possible and then sat down. I stayed in front of my computer refreshing the page which brings us up-to-date news about what's happening downtown. A number of barricades was in place (to prevent people from attending the event) and broken before the planned 2pm "sit-in". Coincidentally my best friend decided to come back on that day.. she said something along that line of "fuck it, Bersih or not, I still need to get my stuff". She lives downtown and I haven't seen her for about half a year or so and I so need to spend some time with her. So I continued refreshing and channel hopping until best friend buzzed me asking if I can go meet her. At the same time, updates say that the Police has started shooting tear gas towards the crowd. It was about half an hour after the leader of the event told everyone present that it was a success and they are to disperse. According to a lot of personal accounts all over Facebook and non-government news sites, the atmosphere was really like a street carnival and when it was time to leave, people were dispersing peacefully before the police started gassing people. Apparently someone tried to break the barricade to get into the field. Also, the train service surrounding the area was stopped thus people had very little chance of dispersing quickly so they lingered. More tear gas were shot because "people didn't obey the police's instruction to leave". Last year, they shot tear gas into the compound of a hospital. This year, they shot tear gas into the underground train station.

So.....?
I went downtown last Saturday despite all that, shortly after all hell broke loose. To meet up with my best friend. And let me tell you, the shopping area not far away from the protest area, it was as if it was just another day. No one was running away from the police, or apprehended and beaten for no reason, or tear gassed! I stayed there for about 5 hours or so. Unfortunately, I had no guts to wear yellow (the official colour of the day) because I really don't want to get in trouble with the authorities cause no one but my best friend knows that I'm going down to meet her.


Conclusion
The events last weekend and having Ms-I-dun-geddit being back in the office and irking me has brought me to realise that ever since I've started working, I've been sort of pacified. I no longer can come up with a witty retort immediately after whatever insult has been thrown at me, I have to plan to be sarcastic. I'm trying hard to just ignore things and be peaceful. I sound like my mum! "It's okay to be angered but swallow your bile because it is for the greater good!" OMG! God save me! My time spent with my best friend as also made me realise that I haven't been expressing myself all that well other than when I'm about to explode. Even then, stuff I say are quite inane. I cannot ignore them and yet be so damned angry inside. I need to not be afraid to express myself and be me again. I hate this chinky environment... It is changing me and I hate it. I also hate myself for valuing having a good relationship with them because I'd be stuck with them for at least another 4 years. So to prevent myself from unnecessary anger,I partially shut myself down and subsequently changing myself. Just like the country, I need a Bersih to bring back the past me.

I applaud those who went and stood up for people like me who didn't have the guts to stand up for myself. I need to gather my courage for the next Bersih as the government is not showing signs of having heard what the people has said.

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Office dress codes should not be drafted by people who fits into normal clothing sizes. Instead, those who are in between sizes, i.e. XS fits but is tight in certain areas but S needs you to take 1-2 inches away in certain areas, should be doing it. Also, the lowest level staff should be the one drafting it because they have the least disposable income.

I got an email with the subject "Proper Office Attire" today. My dress was 2 inches above my knee. Funny part is that I wore that on the first day and the HR lady didn't mention a single thing about it. Neither did anyone else every other time I wore it. Till today, I had to bump into this director whom I assume either didn't get any last night or has never gotten any for as long as she lived.

I'm sorry I'm in between sizes. S fits but is too short but M, which is "proper length", makes me look like I'm wearing my mother's dress. If you're worried about image then you should consider if a shorter skirt but presentable is the better choice or proper length but not presentable is the look that you should go for. I don't have that much money to tailor make every single clothing item.

Also, why don't you address the bigger issue of people commenting that it would be nice to be able to slap my ass, especially when I'm wearing jeans. Oh wait.. I'm in an Asian country where sexual harassment doesn't quite exist.

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This week is like a week of revelations and turmoil. I don't think any that I contact on a daily basis realise it and I'm not exactly good at showing how I really feel when half of me doesn't think that it's such a big deal while the other half is angry and wants to pick a fight.

The week started off with me vs best friend. Why? Because of how I reacted to something she said and I find that she is more similar to the self-righteous bastard that is the root cause to me vs best friend. As if it is not enough, I kind of have an ongoing me vs me.

I don't know if I am subconsciously blocking whatever emotions that I'm supposed to feel because I wasn't surprised at whatever that was happening and yet I am angry and feeling a little betrayed. I suddenly have that feeling of dropping of the grid and disappear for a while.

Ever had that feeling like you're once again stuck in some repetitive shitty situation that no matter how hard you try you seem to not be able to stop it from starting all over again? I'm feeling exactly that too.

Too many feelings that I have no idea how to deal with and I don't know who exactly to tell because I don't want to risk another me vs best friend with someone else I'm close with and simply because nothing can be done to change this.

I've been told many times that I'm wise beyond my age but what does that mean when the one thing I want is the one thing I don't get?

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Dear God,

I promise to not be mean and angsty if you let me spend one whole day with him.

kthxbai

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I don't know how to title this entry. It always happens when I am feeling contented. If I have weekends like this all the time, I'd take the 5 days of shit from a lot of people. My friends, supportive as they are said that I'm a little "bitter and emo" lately and so I need to lighten up a bit. I'm fine when there aren't people trying to walk all over me. I want my Friday evenings hanging out with my friends and Saturday lunches with him. My friends are always my stress relief, they always cheer me up, no matter what and the icing on my cake this weekend is him. Funny how things are sometimes. People who are supposed to know me best doesn't and people who doesn't do but I guess that is life.

Well, last week was horrible, after my mum's drama, it dawned on me that my colleagues are horrible at understanding English jokes. They're too chinky for them and 9gag so I'm always the weird person. Ching chong ching chong..

I kind of wish I can start singing right now.. hahaha! Anyway, I am feeling way better, thank you Zanzibar!!! *hugs* Love all of you much for not stressing me up and letting me just vent.

p/s: It is a little weird when your friend gets a sugar rush, mentions you on a facebook post and you have no idea what she meant...

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