DO you ever want something so badly but the moment you have it, you don't want it anymore? Or you've worked yourself so hard to get that one thing yet you get everything else but that?

I get that.. not all the time but only for things that I've chased with all that I have. Take this holiday for example, I've been chasing it for a good year 8 months and now that I am on holiday, there is a lack of happiness that accompany it. It doesn't feel like much has changed at all. I actually prefer to be going to classes and seeing my friends and have them make me laugh, telling me to chill and pulling pranks on other people. I work hard to get good grades but the harder I work the worse my results will be.

Now that I am on holiday, I am expected to go home soon. Yea, I don't quite want to go home where I have to be mindful of the things I do and the things I say. It's quite like the one place I don't want to be anymore. Yes, going home is wonderful yet infuriating cause I don't want to go home to have being compared to someone else just because they are better hypocrites than me. I don't want to go home to be told that my freedom is now even more constricted than ever.

I have to say independence does not mean freedom. You can have freedom but you may not be independent and vice-versa. For those who have obtained both freedom and independence, good for you because it means that you can draw your own paths and do things that you want. Although some of you will continue to blame others for your failure because you are too afraid to gamble anything at all, I will say that life is the ultimate gamble, each decision you make is a gamble and even if you're not a gambler as I am, it doesn't really matter because either way there there will be something different in your life.

I need a change in environment, something that is not where I am now and where I am going to be in a week or so's time but with the constricted freedom that I have, there is not really a place that I can go. Oh.. I can't wait to finish studying, get a job and be free. Although things have not been going according to plan but at least then I am abosolutely free to do what I want and go places that I want to go. I have been independent and I am sure that won't ever change.

In the spirit of not getting the things I want, I'm going to try to not be so serious cause it seems that things always, always are better when I just not take it seriously.

Categories: thoughts [t]

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